Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Dear Tempur Pedic

The following is an email I sent to the Tempur-Pedic Mattress company a few days ago. .....

Dear Tempur-Pedic Mattress Company,
I just want to tell you how wonderful your mattresses are. I used to suffer from chronic back pain, but after sleeping on your mattress my pain has been nearly eliminated. Recently, however, I had an experience that has made me appreciate your mattresses on an entirely different level. It is because of this experience that I believe your slogans of “the most highly recommended bed in America” and “you'll sleep better,” while being entirely accurate, could be enhanced by slogans such as “You'll sleep better, and the aliens will too” or “Protect yourself from Intergalactic Evil with Tempur-Pedic.”
Let me explain. Last week I woke up with a red irritated mark on the front of my neck and I had no idea where it came from or what could have caused it. I was discussing this mark with a friend in an effort to determine its origin. Now, it can't have been caused by any other living creature since no one else sleeps in the bed with me. Not even a cat or dog. I sleep alone. So very alone.
The red mark could not have been caused by an inanimate object since an inanimate object would not be capable of causing the contact dermatitis I was experiencing unless it had come into contact with an allergen. Since I am not allergic to any inorganic matter and since nothing in my room had come into contact with an organic allergen, it is impossible for the mark to have been made by an object in my apartment.
Now, since this contact dermatitis I was experiencing did not come from inside my apartment it had to have come from outside. We can eliminate all known organic life forms on this planet for one simple reason. There is no way into my apartment able to be accessed without my knowledge. The only windows are covered with thick black plastic taped to the wall for insulation. The front door is blocked by a side table and a heavy kitchen cart. It would be nearly impossible for the door to have been opened from the outside and completely impossible for the door to have been opened without my awaking.
So …. Logically, if you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. With that concept in mind, my friend and I concluded that the red irritated mark must have been made by an alien. It's the only explanation left.
Initially, I suspected an alien with tentacles as tentacles could explain the mark. My learned friend pointed out that the only aliens with tentacles were Japanese and I was in the wrong geographical location for them. Traditional American aliens were ruled out as they only probe and are not prone to leaving marks. After more deliberation, my friend and I concluded that the mark was probably caused by a face hugger that missed. A face huger being one of those Aliens from that movie with Sigourney Weaver. If it had found my face I would have already had a baby alien burst out of my stomach. So, why did it miss? Here is what I think happened......
My room doesn't have any particularly distracting features that would interrupt an alien parasite intent on injecting my frail human body with its parasitic alien baby. I obviously did nothing to distract the alien as I was unconscious. By my own admission, I do snore. Or I have been told I snore. Loudly. But, I find it unlikely that the face hugger would have been put off by snoring as we have seen cinematic proof that they can attach themselves despite their victims screams and struggling.
We can assume that the alien was on the mattress in order to get near enough to my mouth to try to attach to it. Since the Tempur-Pedic is so unbelievably comfortable I postulate that the face hugger, upon feeling the supreme cloud -like comfort of the Tempur-Pedic mattress, relaxed so much that it missed its intended target and instead hit my neck thereby saving me from hemorrhaging an alien baby from my insides out. As that obviously would have killed me ….. the fact that the Tempur-Pedic mattress prevented it from happening means the Tempur-Pedic saved my life!
When I bought my Tempur-Pedic mattress the sales person never mentioned anything about protection from aliens. I have no idea why. I think potential customers should hear about ALL the benefits a Tempur-Pedic mattress could offer. That includes aliens. And by that, I mean tell your human customers about the life saving potential of your mattresses from aliens. Though, if we ever do realize intergalactic communication one supposes you could also market Tempur-Pedic mattresses to the aliens.

Their response was ....... less than expected. ..... I believe it went something like:

"Thank you for telling us about your experience! If we can do anything else please give us a call!" ........ It was almost tempting.