Dear Tempur Pedic

The following is an email I sent to the Tempur-Pedic Mattress company a few days ago. .....

Dear Tempur-Pedic Mattress Company,

I just want to tell you how wonderful your mattresses are. I used to suffer from chronic back pain, but after sleeping on your mattress my pain has been nearly eliminated. Recently, however, I had an experience that has made me appreciate your mattresses on an entirely different level. It is because of this experience that I believe your slogans of “the most highly recommended bed in America” and “you'll sleep better,” while being entirely accurate, could be enhanced by slogans such as “You'll sleep better, and the aliens will too” or “Protect yourself from Intergalactic Evil with Tempur-Pedic.”

Let me explain. Last week I woke up with a red irritated mark on the front of my neck and I had no idea where it came from or what could have caused it. I was discussing this mark with a friend in an effort to determine its origin. Now, it can't have been caused by any other living creature since no one else sleeps in the bed with me. Not even a cat or dog. I sleep alone. So very alone.

The red mark could not have been caused by an inanimate object since an inanimate object would not be capable of causing the contact dermatitis I was experiencing unless it had come into contact with an allergen. Since I am not allergic to any inorganic matter and since nothing in my room had come into contact with an organic allergen, it is impossible for the mark to have been made by an object in my apartment.

Now, since this contact dermatitis I was experiencing did not come from inside my apartment it had to have come from outside. We can eliminate all known organic life forms on this planet for one simple reason. There is no way into my apartment able to be accessed without my knowledge. The only windows are covered with thick black plastic taped to the wall for insulation. The front door is blocked by a side table and a heavy kitchen cart. It would be nearly impossible for the door to have been opened from the outside and completely impossible for the door to have been opened without my awaking.

So …. Logically, if you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. With that concept in mind, my friend and I concluded that the red irritated mark must have been made by an alien. It's the only explanation left.

Initially, I suspected an alien with tentacles as tentacles could explain the mark. My learned friend pointed out that the only aliens with tentacles were Japanese and I was in the wrong geographical location for them. Traditional American aliens were ruled out as they only probe and are not prone to leaving marks. After more deliberation, my friend and I concluded that the mark was probably caused by a face hugger that missed. A face huger being one of those Aliens from that movie with Sigourney Weaver. If it had found my face I would have already had a baby alien burst out of my stomach. So, why did it miss? Here is what I think happened......

My room doesn't have any particularly distracting features that would interrupt an alien parasite intent on injecting my frail human body with its parasitic alien baby. I obviously did nothing to distract the alien as I was unconscious. By my own admission, I do snore. Or I have been told I snore. Loudly. But, I find it unlikely that the face hugger would have been put off by snoring as we have seen cinematic proof that they can attach themselves despite their victims screams and struggling.

We can assume that the alien was on the mattress in order to get near enough to my mouth to try to attach to it. Since the Tempur-Pedic is so unbelievably comfortable I postulate that the face hugger, upon feeling the supreme cloud -like comfort of the Tempur-Pedic mattress, relaxed so much that it missed its intended target and instead hit my neck thereby saving me from hemorrhaging an alien baby from my insides out. As that obviously would have killed me ….. the fact that the Tempur-Pedic mattress prevented it from happening means the Tempur-Pedic saved my life!

When I bought my Tempur-Pedic mattress the sales person never mentioned anything about protection from aliens. I have no idea why. I think potential customers should hear about ALL the benefits a Tempur-Pedic mattress could offer. That includes aliens. And by that, I mean tell your human customers about the life saving potential of your mattresses from aliens. Though, if we ever do realize intergalactic communication one supposes you could also market Tempur-Pedic mattresses to the aliens.

Their response was ....... less than expected. ..... I believe it went something like:

"Thank you for telling us about your experience! If we can do anything else please give us a call!" ........ It was almost tempting.

I Saved the Potatoes

Stop wasting all your tactical advantages!

And after yelling that to the TV the other day I finally turned the channel off "The Hills Have Eyes". I just couldn't finish it. Not that I started it. I turned it on partway through, to the part where they first brake down in the desert actually. I'm sure you all know the premise of the movie. A family gets stranded in the desert and is tortured by a group of people who got mutated by radiation experiments the government performed and are now living far from civilization. Apparently they survive by eating any travelers who happen their way. It's a stretch for a believable premise, but I was willing to give it a gander.

It quickly revealed itself as a movie not to be believed. Don't read any further if you don't want to read some spoilers. ... though honestly a movie that rotten I'm not sure anything can spoil it. ... Lets start with the guns shall we? The writers try to portray the dad and young son in this family as real gun enthusiasts. However ... the moment the dad gets left alone in the dark and hears someone talking creepy to him he unloads his gun. NOT into the person trying to scare him, but into ... wait for it ... the darkness. Yeah, that helped him right into being knocked out and tied up. Then later in the movie the son has a gun and shoots at the sky, the ground, even his own trailer since he can't really see anyone to shoot at. ... When you learn about guns one of the first things you learn is to never shoot a gun unless you know exactly what you're shooting at and have your target in your sights. ... Heck, I've never taken a gun class and even I know that. It's part of the common sense that's not common at all in horror movies. Really though, they only have so many bullets. Why would they waste them on .... nothing?

Also, the son in law finds a walkie talkie that was being used by one of the cannibalistic desert folk and hears them making plans to come and ambush them. All well and good. Great actually. I mean it's just that sort of thing that the remaining members of the helpless family need to get a leg up on their cannibalistic attackers. (Pun intended) So what does he do? ... Does he listen to it, find out what they are planning, and outsmart them? ... No ... He talks into it and tells the murderous desert dwellers to leave them alone and whines and asks them why they are doing this. ... Yeah I"m pretty sure they aren't going to be using the walkie talkies after that, which means that the family will now have no idea what they are planning. That's when I yelled at the TV about tactical advantages. It was also at that point that I almost wanted the family to get et.

Of course the Mutants don't do things that make much sense either. One of the mutants kidnaps the dad at a country store fully equipped with water and food. ... let that sink in .... They have access to food and water but .... choose to become cannibals? And lets look at where they live. In a make believe town created by the govt to mimic a real town in order for them to research the effects of radiation. The town is littered with mannequins. Presumably to mimic people in the govt experiments. Except ... wait ... Plastic doesn't really act live a living person if it's dosed with radiation. Not even close. And take that from someone who's studied radiation. But I guess the life sized dolls do up the creepy factor. But what kills the believability factor is that this town, that was presumably abandoned and left for empty by its creators, has power. As in TVs are working lights are on inside. ... hmm.... I'm not buying it. I mean I think the power company would notice if power was being used in an area that isn't supposed to be getting power, an area where no one is supposed to be living. Businesses are funny like that. They don't like to give anything away for free or to lose money.

 Maybe I shouldn't write anything. I mean who is to say I wouldn't turn into a complete commonsenseless idiot if I was placed in a horror movie like setting? I definitely know I wouldn't be the one to go investigate the creepy sound or go out alone in the dark in search of help. I'm just not a risk taker. I would be the one to hide in the closet or try to stay in the middle of the group. In other words, a totally expendable character. What about you? Would you survive a horror movie? What character would you play?

I do think that Groupon is trying to kill me though. .. or at least maul my large bowel.
I received the offer below in an email:

Colon Hydrotherapy Session
Refresh and rejuvenate your system with one visit
$45 ($90 value) for a colon hydrotherapy session 
One-hour treatment uses refreshing stream of warm water to flush out toxins & waste 
Relaxed, private environment...
Colon hydrotherapy is a gentle relaxing internal bath that helps cleanse the colon of poisons, gas, toxins and accumulated fecal matter. During the process warm filtered water is used to soak and remove waste that adheres to the walls of the entire large intestine (5 1/2 feet or more). Unlike an enema, it does not involve the retention of water. There is no discomfort- just a steady flow in and out. While the client is lying comfortably on a table, a small disposable speculum is inserted into the rectum. Water flows in the colon via a small water tube and out through a different tube called a waste tube which carries the impacted feces, mucous, and toxins. It is possible to see the expelled waste matter when it passes through a special viewing window.

I shall now let that sink into your brains. .... In case you can't read between the lines of that offer, let me enlighten you. Keep in mind that this comes from someone who is registered to perform enemas by the state and a national accrediting agency. I know the colon.
1) INTO THE RECTUM ... There are no words that will make that comfortable or relaxing.
2) In order for the water to be able to traverse the entire length of the large bowel you would need a fairly substantial amount of pressure. We aint talkin a gentle stream. Basically you're pressure washing your colon.
3) Viewing Window. Who would want to watch their own poo coming out of them? That is a special kind of gross.

And the spa attendant who administers the procedure? ... get this .. no medical training needed. One You tube video showed the person administering it unable to answer basic questions about the procedure. If that alone wouldn't scare you away let me give you some facts that will.

 Devices used for colonic therapy and irrigation are Class III medical devices and must be licensed by the FDA and used only for those medical purposes that are approved by the FDA. Colon hydrotherapy is not one of those purposes, and the FDA has issued a number of warning letters to “colon hydrotherapists” who misuse the devices.

Colon Hydrotherapy can cause side effects, some minor such as cramping, bloating, nausea and vomiting. In addition, it can increase your risk of dehydration and your risk for infection.
Some patients have ended up in the emergency room with confusion due to excessive water intoxication.
Other reports include rectal perforation, all in patients for whom there was no medical indication and none of whom were told of the danger that the treatment might make a hole in their colon or rectum.
Doctors found evidence of 36 cases of amebiasis, an intestinal parasite, among patients who underwent colonic hydrotherapy in a Colorado clinic. Ten of those patients had to have their colons removed surgically and 6 died. Testing of the clinic hydrotherapy equipment after routine cleaning found heavy contamination with fecal coliform bacteria.
In addition some risks of prolonged use of cleansing include dependence on the procedure to defecate.

So lets recap what could happen ...
1. nausea, vomiting, cramping, bloating. ... Sounds like the period to end all periods
2. Getting drunk on ... water .. now there's something to explain to the police officers. don't know they'd buy that.
 3. Part of your insides could explode and leak toxins into the rest of your body. ...  I don't want any part of my insides with a hole where there isn't supposed to be one. And aren't toxins the very thing this procedure is supposed to get out of your body?
 4. Parasites. .....  you could become a creepy crawly critter camp. nasty critters that cause you to have to take out part of your insides .. or, oh yeah ... DIE!
5. Dependence on the procedure to defecate. ....  you would never be able to poo without help again.

Conclusion = Groupon is realistically more dangerous than desert cannibals

I can either Smile or Lie. Take your pick.

All right. Let's start off with a video shall we?



I hope that disturbed you as much as it did me. Oh yes, it made me mad. Mad I say! I think, no, I KNOW I yelled at the TV the first time I saw that commercial. I mean, seriously... "Once upon a time there were books." !!!!! Are you kidding me!?!? Um... books still exist! In fact, there are entire buildings dedicated to them. They're called Libraries. And I think heaven is a giant one. I love books. I love how they look, I love how they feel, I love how they smell. Yes, smell. I especially love reading them. Entire afternoons of my childhood were devoted to climbing the tree in my backyard with a book in my hand and staying there reading it until it was too dark out to see the words on the page. I started out with Mercer Mayer and the Zipparumpazoos in elementary school and ended up with Terry Brooks and the Shannara series by Junior High. Yeah, I was a reader. So the implication that books no longer exist, or are passe and inferior to the new E-readers makes me a trifle .... irked. So, needless to say, I have issues with E-readers. As in, I dislike them. Intensely. Someone could try to make an argument that an E-reader with colorful animation and engaging audio makes reading more interesting for children. But my question to them is, is that really considered reading? I mean, if the attention is on moving pictures and sound um,.... isn't that ... TV? As in, not reading. How can anyone learn to love words, learn the value of word choice and word play, learn to create entire worlds with nothing but letters, when they're not really reading? The answer is: they can't. And that lack of appreciation for the written word by an entire generation saddens me enormously.

But something happened over the Thanksgiving break that made me happy. Or rather, enforced my belief that people, in general, are good. I was driving from Tennessee to Kentucky and accidentally locked my keys in my car at a gas station. Not my proudest moment. (And I'm not entirely sure how I managed it, as I had to unlock the door to get out and pump gas, but....anyway) The guy who ran the gas station came out and tried to use a coat hanger to unlock the door. Two other people drove up and tried to help. Three other people who drove up also tried. None were successful, but they tried to help. A woman in the laundry that was attached to the gas station offered to drive me back to Smyrna to get my set of spare keys. When I said that was too far for her to drive, she called a friend who had a slim jim car opener and drove there to get it. She brought it back and tried it. It didn't work. Another man, who happened to be a mechanic, drove up and tried to open the door with a sturdier coat hanger. He couldn't get it either. He said mine was the first car he'd run across that he couldn't open. An older gentleman then came by and let me use his phone after I remembered my mother had signed me up for AAA. He even offered to buy me lunch or something to drink while I waited for them to come. I said I was ok, but thanked him anyway. While I was sitting in the laundry waiting for AAA to call, the gentleman came back and handed me a sweater. He said he had driven to a christan run used clothing store down the road. I thought that was so nice of him, as I was extremely cold. (It was drizzly and my coat was locked in the car) So, people are good and I have an ugly blue sweater with brown leaves on it to prove it.

I'm not sure I deserve such kindness, though. I am an awful person where giving to charity is concerned. And by awful I don't mean that I don't donate money, but that they probably wish I didn't. Let me explain. I was driving home from ... somewhere one day and was listening to my mp3 player rather loudly when I saw the volunteer firefighters in my neighborhood on the side of the road trying to raise money. It's a worthy cause, so I roll down my window spend a few moments trying to get some money out of my wallet and hand it to them with a smile on my face. It was only after I drove away that I realized what had been blaring out of the speakers the entire time I was being philanthropic. The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang. Yeah, It's kind of a dirty song. Yeah, I was listening to it. No, it's not typical of the music I listen to. But, it was what happened to be playing wile I was trying to do a good deed. It made me feel like a bad person. I forced my perversion on unsuspecting people. Good men and women who were just trying to raise money so they can keep me and the rest of the neighborhood safe. Yeah, I'm evil. I think the good karma from donating money was canceled out by the bad karma of assaulting someone's ears. But, on the upside, if I ever need to be rescued I've paid for it darn it. If they weren't offended and upset enough to let me burn, that is.

But let's go back to the themes of Words and Thanksgiving, shall we? I created a new word with my brother and cousins over the Thanksgiving break. Stresstipated. Shut up. It's a good word. Definitely should be added to the dictionary, or at least to the popular lexicon. My brother was saying how my cousin just held all his stress inside and didn't express it. I said that he was Stresstipated. I thought it was an apt expression. Everyone laughed and agreed that it was a good word anyway. So, yeah. Now I'm up to two words of my own invention. Flustrated and Stresstipated. Go me. I rock words socks off like sugar rocks mine. I think I'm going to make cookies tomorrow. Last Sunday was national cookie day, and I didn't make any. I was remiss.

A Storm Cloud Over Happy Town

So let's start with a picture shall we?
(this picture is in relation to a Baptist Church in Kansas that protested San Diego Comic Con)






















God Hates? Really? ........ I don't think so. But it amuses me they do. Maybe it should make me sad. Or Mad. But instead, it just makes me want to laugh. I mean, the claim to "know" how and what god thinks or will or won't do ...... That's pretty ballsy really. Cause whether you're right OR wrong, you're kind of trying to take on the role of judge, jury, and executioner which, as far as I remember was reserved for one being only. The Supreme Creator, the Omnipotent One, the general Ruler of the Whole Universe. And I thought the All Powerful One kind of frowned on that. I sure wouldn't want to have to explain it anyway. I mean, is there really be any acceptable response when God asks "SOOOOOO..... Why did you think YOU knew how to judge MY creations better than I did?" -______- I'm thinking not.

That's why I try not to judge people. (except when it's funny, of course) God must be ok with it though cause I think I got rewarded by him the other day. And it was all thanks to Devil's Night, aka Halloween. You see, we didn't buy any candy so we had turned the porch light off. Which, as everyone knows, means don't go to the door and ask for candy. But apparently someone didn't get that Mommy Memo because lo and behold the doorbell rang and there they were. Costumed Sugar Vultures. Bags open and eager for candy. But what sugary goodness to give them? Not my ice cream, for sure. But, aside from some Splenda packets, there was nothing else sweet in the house. Just when we thought we might have to give the kids bags of carrots or something else equally unHalloweenish, I remembered all my granola/protein bars. They're sweet enough to not get our house rolled with toilet paper, right? I mean, they've got a token coating of chocolate. They also look enough like a candy bar to fool a kid into thinking they're suitable unhealthy. But what granola bars did I give them? My Luna Chocolate Peppermint bars. My favorite ones. I was kicking myself for giving them the good ones when some of the less yummy ones would have worked. Sigh.... But, I remembered Trick or Treating, and I always wanted to get good candy when I went. So, it was just instinct to give them the best that I could. Those kids darn well better have appreciated them though because I really wanted those stupid Peppermint bars. And you know what? :D I got them the next day. They went on some sort of Super Sale for 50 cents each. I bought like 15 bars. Woo Hoo! Thank you Karma.

But let me tell you what we were doing before the Trick or Treaters surprised us. My brother and I were watching a TV show about why Zombies are so popular. There are people who study that stuff. I'm not even kidding. For example, did you know that there is such a thing as the Zombie Research Society? Well, I didn't, but there is. And they're for serious. They have recommendations for what to do in the event of a Zombie attack. For starters, you should have a 72 hour survival kit. It should contain some form of portable shelter, a walkie talkie for communicating with the still non undead, and food. In the show, they didn't mention anything about projectile weapons, sharp implements, blunt objects, or chainsaws in your survival kit. Though I think they would be very useful items. (I'd go for the projectile weapon myself, wanting to keep as much distance between me and the Zombies as possible) I think the guy they interviewed had his priorities wrong. I mean, Let's face it, if you need a first aid kit you're already done for anyway. Cause everyone knows if you get any sort of cut or bite or scrape, basically if you bleed AT ALL you're in the Future Zombie's of America club. And as for shelter, come on, is there any pop up tent that's going to keep out zombies? Nope. The walkie talkie? Eh... you're better off just holding out by yourself cause other people are guaranteed to do something stupid that will probably get you killed. Group survival rate in Zombie movies? The odds aren't good. But the food I agree with. You should always have food to eat. Especially when under siege by Zombies.

I've got the perfect food to put in my zombie survival kit too. I saw it at WalMart. It's Spanish and made especially for Halloween. It's called Pan de Muerto. The name literally translates to Bread of the Dead. It's a loaf of sweet bread shaped like a large flower and covered in sugar crystals. It's so nice looking. It's a pretty dead bread. :D It's kind of large for an emergency bag, though. The box it came in was bigger than my head. But it looked yummy, and it would be situation appropriate for a zombie survival kit. Plus, I could chuck the box at any attacking Zombies. Yeah. So, what would you have in your Zombie Survival Kit?

Floating Whale Feces Helps Keep the Ocean Alive

Ok. So we did make it to Dragoncon. Yipee! For those interested here is a Facebook album of the Parade with a few pictures of myself thrown in. Note the horns.


Just before I left for Dragoncon I learned how to lace myself into a corset. It's the best thing I've learned in years! YearS plural. For serious. I was so enamored with this new knowledge that I took advantage of the vendors room and doubled my corset menagerie. I now own a grand total of 4 corsets. Woot Woot! The White and Black leather striped one you see in the photo, a white embroidered one I will never wear to a wedding, an underbust pinstripe that I will rock with my pinstripe fedora, and a pink and tourqoise one that begs for something purple. I'd take pictures of them to show you, but I broke my camera. Or rather the car that ran over it broke it. yeah....

The first day of school was the last day of working life for my camera. Thank goodness the Garmin survived it. I blame the bag I borrowed from my stepmom. The bottomless pouch I put the garmin and camera in didn't help either. I took my MP3 player, the camera, and the garmin and ON PURPOSE to keep them SAFE I put them in my bag. And... then I walked out of the parking garage without another thought about them. Until a girl behind me stopped me and handed me something that had dropped out of said bag. It was poor James Brady, my Garmin. After thanking her I checked the bag and guess what I didn't find? Yup. The camera and MP3 player. Minutes of panic time as I retraced my steps through the garage to try to find my other valuables. Well, find them I did. In the middle of the driving lane. It didn't look good. And wonder of wonders I was right. It wasn't good. The MP3 player turned on and seemed to work. The camera turned on, but half the screen was lined with what would have been an otherwise lovely rainbow of stripes. It hasn't turned on since. Woe and Sadness. Woe and Sadness.

So School: For the next two years I will be studying to become a radiologic technician. I'll be takin X-rays of people, hee hee. I will not be radiating them into new forms of mutant life. (Unless they're really annoying, that is) But let me break it down for you so far,

Week 1: overwhelming and exciting and nerve wracking. Information overload. Change. Change. Change.

Week 2: Overwhelming. Self doubt filled paranoia culminating in a cry fest on the third day. So much information to remember. Get back into the study rhythm. Studying every free moment.

Week 3: First test done with. Still studying most every spare moment. Hospital staff and other students are all nice. Feeling ok. Will make it. Time is passing quickly. Come on two years. Hello good job?

Since I have no life other than school, work, and studying for school (aside from the time I'm writing this) I don't have much time to cook really. The horror! That saddens me more than losing the camera does. For reals. I ended up deciding that frozen dinners would have to constitute a large part of my diet for the next two years. I know, I know. The shame! One does need a place to put said frozen dinners though, so I bought a small chest freezer. It's in the garage now filled with frozen dinners, some hot peppers from the garden, and a loaf of pumpernickle bread. Oh and Ice cream. Yeah.... there is ice cream. Lots of ice cream. I can't have a freezer without ice cream pints in it. Oh no no no. That doesn't happen in Adamarieville. It would be like having a milkshake without milk. Not possible. And don't be all smart and try to prove it's possible, cause it aint I say. So, I currently have.... oh..... about 20 ice pints of frozen goodness. Hells Yeah.

In a Crocodillian Display of Love

Recommendations for Garmin names are no longer being accepted. (Not that anyone suggested anything, but hey that's fine) I have christened it James Brady. (well, I would have Christened it except the Catholic church wouldn't make an inanimate albeit electronic object the subject of an important religious service. At least I don't think they would, I didn't ask.) But I digress. In picking the name I had to take into account that this Garmin is just like me. It gets its rights and lefts confused. Seriously. I wish I were kidding because it's not a good trait in a navigation device. Nope, Nope, Nope. I know it gets confused because instead of telling me to turn right onto the little gravel road that led to the catfish restaurant it told me to turn left into a grass field with an abandoned barn. Yeah.... I'll have to watch out for that in future. So, because it's just like me, it needs a name in keeping with our similarities. In that spirit I named it James because of James May from the British Car show Top Gear. I happen to like him and his long hair, but more importantly, he was driving fairly fast along a back country gravel road and said to the passenger beside him "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot where I was going for a moment. Ha ha." That would be just like me. If I were driving fast down a back country road I'd forget where I was going too. So, that's why I picked the name James. I picked the second part of the name, Brady, because of it's Irish origin and meaning. It's an Irish surname transferred to unisex forename use, and derived from an Anglicized form of Gaelic Ó Brádaigh which means "descendant of Brádach," hence "large-chested." That name seemed to fit as well. So, James Brady and I will be going to a lot of places together. He even helped me find the place I needed to go to take my drug test today. So, yea for James Brady! I will forgive your occasional lapses in directional judgment.

But lets talk about a naming fail now, shall we? It comes by way of the Ball Glass Company. The company was started by a group of brothers with the last name Ball. They sold canning jars and have since branched out into all sorts of canning equipment and paraphernalia. Ready for the name fail? It's the name of their canning cookbook. It's the "Ball Blue Book of Preserving". Yeah. They really ... sigh... No. I can't do it. There's a great pun here. But, I won't go there. (Points for anyone who does though)

One place I really want to go is Dragoncon. It's this weekend in Atlanta, Ga. Awesome science fiction/fantasy convention. I look forward to it every year we've gone. We've planned it for a while now. Booked the rooms, bought the tickets. Only problem, we didn't plan on my brother being out of town and not able to watch the dogs. It's too late to kennel them and I'm not sure who, if anyone, we can get to watch them. I have no idea what we're going to do, but I hope we figure something out because I'd hate for any one of us to miss it. We'll see what the weekend brings, and where we'll be. The idea of not going makes me sad though.

In an effort to not think sad thoughts, I'll end with a funny one. It's about bulldogs. If you've ever heard me talk about dogs you know that I have a soft spot for Bulldogs. I like French Bulldogs with their little ugly puckered faces, but I especially like English Bulldogs with their fat wrinkled waddle walk. However, because of the breeding done to create such stocky .... stock the dogs have massive health problems. In talking about English Bulldogs their critics say that current health issues including breathing problems such as asthma and breeding problems such as "the need for artificial insemination, due to male ineptness and lack of drive" need to be addressed. Sigh... poor boy Bulldogs. ... Poor girl bulldogs.

Evisceration does not float my boat.

I got a Garmin. Yes Siree. I am now the proud owner of an electronic locator. Flight of the Navigator time, go! (only without the flying and time travel) So now, presumably, I will always know how to get where I'm going. Well, I won't know, but my garmin will. I may wreck getting there, but I'll know where I am. Very handy piece of information, that. You know, I should name it if I'm going to put my life in its hands. Wait. It doesn't have hands..... I hope this isn't an ill omen. Mayhap a nice naming ceremony complete with offerings of cute sticker adornments would appease it and distract it from its limbless state. My computers name is Llewelyn (welsh), I named my new wireless printer "the Scottsman". I'm thinking something Irish for the Garmin. Any suggestions?

My cousin and I bought each other shirts last time I came down to KY. I bought her one that had a picture of a peanut butter jar and a jelly jar and above them it said, "You complete me" which fits her perfectly as she is addicted to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches like geeks are to the internet. She bought me one that said "I'm not short, my temper is" Really cute. (The shirt, not my temper that is) They had a ton of neat shirts. One of them was a shirt that had a picture of a marshmallow, graham cracker, and a chocolate bar and it said "Smores than just friends". It was a scratch and sniff shirt. I repeat, Scratch. And. Sniff. Who wants to wear a scratch and sniff shirt? I certainly don't want people coming up and scratching and sniffing on me. That's just weird. For serious.

Speaking of things I bought while in KY.... um.... I bought one of the strangest impulse items evah. I stopped at a little retro/vintage store halfway between Ky and TN and I saw a 50's/60's Baby Blue Fridge/Freezer and Gas Stove. So cute! I looked at them. Drooled and Dreamed a little. Couldn't resist asking the price. $200 for both of them. He said they worked when he bought them 6 weeks ago. Working Fridge and Stove for $200? Sigh..... So I bought them. They were cute and food/kitchen related. I couldn't resist. I called my grandmother and told her about them and asked if I could store them in her junk room. Her voice had a happy tone when she said "yes, of course" I could. She's such an enabler. I think I'm like her reincarnation. If someone can be reincarnated before they die, that is. yeah.... So, now I am the proud owner of two large appliances that I won't be able to use for at least two years and might cost me a fair amount of money to get working when I can. What!? Don't judge me.

Judge these people instead, for they are truly sick and strange.

Koreans have no taste buds

I mean, just kill me now. Corndogs dipped in Chocolate. What disturbs me most is one of the comments. "When do you eat it? Is it dessert or dinner?" I'll tell you when you eat it. Never! Never, I say!

I think that is all for now. That is definitely all. Nothing can follow Chocolate Corndogs.