Like Blowing Jellyfish out of your Nose

Please help me people. I have a problem. (Ok, I have several problems most of which would probably be considered psychological and quite possibly pathological, but let's not get into my desire to steal other people's candy right now, um K?)

I'm trying to use up the contents of my pantry. That sentence, written by a normal person might not be so unusual. But I collect food like a hooker collects disease. I have a lot of stuff. So much that I forgot half of what was in the dark recesses of my kitchen pantry. So, being a lover of lists and order I took everything out, spread it on my table and cataloged it along with any corresponding expiration dates, of course. Then I put the items back in the pantry. Everything is ready and waiting to be taken out, opened, and eaten. One thing that must be used, read it's out of date already but I'm chancing it because I hate to throw food away, is a jar of pickled ginger. I've already used about 2/3 of the jar on asian rice paper wraps and rice noodle soup. What should I use the rest of the jar for? I'm open to suggestions. Seriously, suggest something. While you're at it you could also suggest uses for habenero ketchup, panko, and pomegranate molasses.

Also, If you’ve ever segmented a grapefruit for someone other than yourself, then you know it's love. True Love, Baby.

Also, Also, I prayed to God not to let Zombies attack me. True Story.

Also, Also, Also, without the protection of it's midget condom my finger looks like an albino cave fish.

Nuns are People Too

Ok. So Here's a March Madness Bracket I can get into:
http://jezebel.com/5497410/march-madness-day-2-cake-vs-pie-showdown-continues

I was talking to some of the people I work with and we were talking about marrying rich men, specifically marrying a doctor. I said I wouldn't want to do that, have never wanted to, because doctors, and many men who work in high paying demanding professions, have to be away from home (on call or on business trips) so much. To me, that defeats the purpose of being married, doesn't it? I mean, if you marry someone, you marry them because you want to be with them, right? If I ever get married I want to spend time with my husband not his money. Almost every married person I talk to advises me to marry for money instead of love if I have the opportunity though. This saddens and confuses me.

Aside from marrying doctors we also talked about Donna Simpson. The woman who wants to go from 600 some lbs to 1,000 lbs. We were talking about how dangerous it is to be that heavy and how she very well might die after reaching that 1,000 lbs. Someone mentioned that if she dies they'd have to cremate her because she's so big. Not true, I said. She could be buried, but she'd need a custom coffin and two grave plots. I was then told that I'm mean and probably going to hell. But really, I was just being Pragmatic and realistic, Honest, even. Doesn't the bible say thou shalt not lie? Well, I didn't.

Bear Minimun Injun Ears

I was reading a Kentucky Home and Farm magazine and came across an article about how the FFA (Future Farmers of America) and Campbells Soup Co. are working jointly to restore old barns and farms across Kentucky. The article seemed admirable if unremarkable till I came across this quote: "Campbell's Soup has an initiative of educating people about where their food comes from -- they're trying to get rid of the stigma that food comes from a can"
Oh? Really? Something tells me that it's not a sound business model to educate people enough that they realize how awful your product is and how much better it would be if you didn't buy it but made it instead. I mean, if people realize soup doesn't com in a can Campbell's is in trouble. Unless Campbell's wants people to stop buying their product. Hmm???

In other news, here are some pictures. Try not to let the sheer stupidity rub off on you. Just remember, the world is a funny but stupid place. Enjoy it before it kills you.

So, what's the difference between Ground and Mechanically Separated? I mean ... really? Is the word "ground" too hard to understand? Did Pride Farm really feel it necessary to specify that Turkey's don't chew themselves up into pre-ground oval shapes before they're killed?




I'm going to buy this. It's such a great deal.





Do you go to EKU for your Higher Education? Might want to brush up on your Hamburger Flipping skills. Here's a sample of the writing/reading comprehension skills of current students.




Chucky Love You Produce of USA. I'm speechless.




End Stupidity. Begin Awesomeness. Go!


Now here's a gem. I spotted it as a printout on PETA's website. (Don't remember how I ended up there) I couldn't resist printing it out. How much trouble do you think i'd get into if I taped this up right on the wall above the refrigerated seafood section of Wal-Mart?



Win indeed. ... That's not sarcasm. I Seriously love this. If someone let me dress their kid up, I'd do this.



And in other news, I just hit the Ben and Jerry's jackpot today. We got in new flavors including Boston Cream Pie, Peanut Brittle, and Milk and Cookies! Whee!!!! And, and AND ... we have other flavors too that we haven't gotten in before. It's like an ice cream treasure trove. The sugar gods were smiling down on me. I feel blessed. What's that? ..... Oh yeah....... Ummmm...... You remember when I said I was giving up sugary dessert like stuff for Lent, do you? Well....I'm eating sugar again. No! No. You're wrong. I didn't fail at Lent. I just ... chose not to succeed.

The Prison House of My Disposition

I think you have so much going for you. You're intelligent and smart. Yes, I know that statement is repetitive. It's warranted because it's true. I wish you believed it. I wish you believed in yourself. You're smarter than most of those around you. You know that much, right? You're just as smart as anyone else too, you know. You could do almost anything you put your mind to. Well, maybe not being a jockey. You'd need to be munchkin sized for that. But you certainly could do more than what you're doing. Your mind is being wasted where it's at. You aren't being able to use it for more than the mundane, and you are not mundane.

You're witty and funny. Your sense of humor makes me happy. I can't help smiling when I'm around you. I light up like a Christmas Tree. Maybe your sense of humor isn't for everyone, but it's perfect for me. I understand you, and you understand me. No one else around here knows exactly when I'm joking and when I'm serious and can play along so well. The more I talk to you the more I want to talk. The rhythm of our conversation flows easily.

You're nice, considerate, and a generally good person. Well, then again, I guess that's not entirely true. While you are always a genuinely good person, (do you know how rare that is, by the way?) you're only nice and considerate to certain people and only when you want to be. But I don't care that you're not always nice to everyone. You've always been nice to me. You've always helped me when I needed it. I actually like that about you. The fact that you're not overly nice to everyone makes it easy to tell when you like someone and when you don't. People know where they stand with you.

I think you're a wonderful, amazing person. I want to shake you and repeat that over and over until you believe it. You should believe it. It's true.

This is what's in my heart for you. This is what I say to you every time I silently walk by.

Socks up knowledge like a Sponge

Want to know something that makes me happy? Mini food! Not real food. Oh, No No No. We're not talking white castle burgers vs. quarter pounders here. I mean fake food. Plastic replicas of whole meals on trays. So cute! I picked up an addition to my collection last Saturday, or more accurately, I started a collection as you need at least two of something to say you "collect" them. Look, Look. See, see see!



I'm not really sure what kind of soup it is. Clam Chowder maybe? I really like the peanut butter bunny design on the bread slice. And I adore the little odd triangle milk carton thingy. And, and, and (excited hyper state here) look at the texture of the orange, it even has, well, texture! Seriously. Cutest. Things. Evah.

Note that there is no dessert on the above plate. No sugary calorie laden frosting covered chocolate filled fried mountain of diabetic coma in food form with ice cream on the side. More's the pity. And such is my fate for the next 36 days. I've given up desserts for Lent. I'm not catholic and I've never celebrated Lent before, but I thought I'd give it a go. Especially since over the holidays I overloaded my poor stomach with so much food I was afraid I might have turned myself into a diabetic. I'm not even kidding. (I seriously had my moms cousin come over with his glucometer and test my blood sugar) So, I'm on day 4 and doing surprisingly well. No withdrawals. No shaking. No violent tendencies, manic outbursts, or fits of depression. Not that I've started eating super healthy. I'm not all brown rice all the time. I'm just not eating dessert like food stuffs. We'll see how long I last. I'm hopeful. Ask me in two weeks how I'm doing. If I try to bite your head off, literally maybe if you have any sort of frosting laden crumb clinging to your chin, please stuff a doughnut down my throat. One with white fluffy filling and lots of sprinkles on it. Thank you.

And speaking of non healthy, I've heard about something perfect for my non dessert regimen. I don't normally eat much fast food, but KFC has come up with a new sandwich called the "Double Down" that I would rock in a heart beat. And after eating this there really is no guarantee how many times your heart will beat before succumbing to the greased calories shooting through your arteries. The Double Down "consists of two fried chicken fillets wrapped around bacon, cheese and Colonel's sauce" Read that again. Fried Chicken, Bacon, Cheese, and sauce. ... Let it sink in. ... Light Bulb! That's right. No bread. The "bun" is chicken, the "patty" is bacon, the "cheese" is well ... cheese. Read all about it here. I would so try that. I wonder if you have to sign a health waiver first? No, seriously, there are much worse things you could eat. Well, Ok, not much, but there are worse.....

And if you eat one of those protein on crackwiches and have a heart attack, you better hope that I don't walk by you because I will just leave you sitting there half in your seat half out of it with your hands clutched to your chest and on the verge of death. Not because I want you to die, but because I will not notice you. I just don't pay attention to people. That's seriously what happened to my mom and I last Wednesday when we went out to eat. We walked in the first set of double doors and I proceeded to go into the second set, but mom stopped. SHE noticed the woman slumped in the booth with her body leaning heavily to one side, her mouth hanging open, and her eyes glazed over. She looked very bad. I was afraid she was dead. Mom propped her up and kept trying to talk to her. I went inside to tell them to call an ambulance. Luckily there were two EMTs in the restaurant and I have no idea who told them about the woman, but within a minute they were there with her and were getting their instruments out of their truck. The lady snapped out of it and started to look better, her color came back, she started mumbling. They took her away to the hospital but, until then, it was scary. Mom said it was the closest she's ever come to thinking she'd have to do CPR on someone. I really would rather not be present when someone dies. Death just makes me .... I can't even describe it. But I'd rather not have to. So, Death, Mr. or Mrs. Grimm Reaper, please don't come and take anyone when I'm nearby. Please? If you don't, you can have my dessert. Well, at least for the next 36 days. After that, all bets are off baby.

Honey Cheddar Scones

One of my favorite YouTube videos got "removed by the user". It made me sad. In an effort to cheer myself up, I searched for similar videos. Here they are.

I think people are being tortured in the background. Grandma is supervising the torture. So, what does a hungry grandmother do while watching someone's final death throes? Eat chips, of course.




This is elder abuse. Giving your grandmother a dry fortune cookie then taunting her that her glass of milk is empty! I'm calling the abuse hotline now.




Why are old asian couple's eating together so cute? It's one of the mysteries of life.




My new favorite Grandma Eating video. Check it. It Rocks!

Cake or Death?

To specific unnamed persons, I'd like to say something.

First. To you, Mrs. Dieting and trying to eat "good". No, Peanut butter is not healthy. Peanut butter does have calories (a lot of them) and it is not good for you (even when you eat it on celery). You refused the cookies I brought into work because you were trying to eat healthier. I wasn't insulted that you refused them for that reason. That's an admirable goal. I can respect that. Imagine my confusion, then, when you pulled out a celery stick and smeared peanut butter on it. Your attempt to justify snubbing my cookies by claiming you were trying to eat healthy crumbled right then. Yes, you were eating "reduced fat" peanut butter. But, um, even reduced fat peanut butter is still over 50% fat. And those three tablespoons of peanut butter you put on your celery stick? You could have eaten three of my cookies for the same amount of calories. Three. I saw your wistful sidelong glances at the Tupperware container. Hope you enjoyed that celery and peanut butter, but you should have taken the cookies.

Second, to you, Mrs. Person trying to save space by smooshig delicate things on top of more delicate things. I told you that those packages of cherry tomatoes wouldn't be able to be stocked on the shelf because they were already full. What I meant by that wasn't that it would be impossible to stuff any more on the store shelf because it was already crammed full to overflowing. No. I meant that if you put any more out the weight from them would crush the tomatoes already on the shelf. They are delicate and well, smooshable, after all. I guess I didn't communicate that very well though, because you said "hmm... in that case" and proceeded take the tomatoes out of their protected box and dump them on top of other tomatoes and smoosh them down so they would all fit into one box, well.... it kind of invalidated our entire previous conversation. It made me want to take a vow of silence.

But, Let's focus on something for everyone, shall we? It's weird and wacky holidays time! Yea!!

February is:
Fabulous Florida Strawberry Month
Grapefruit Month
Library Lovers Month
Marijuana Awareness Month
Condom Month
Weddings Month
Spunky Old Broads Month

3rd-6th is International Snow Sculpting Week
7th-13th is Jell-O week
8th-14th is International Flirting Week
14th-20th is National Pancake Week

1st - Working Naked Day
2nd - Groundhog Day
5th - Wear Red Day also National Nutella Day
9th - Read is the Bathtub Day
16th - Mardi Gras
19th - Chocolate Mint Day
28th - International Sword Swallowers Day

Jus a few of my impressions of this month's holidays: Yea grapefruit! Who the hell gets married in February?. Is it marijuana month because they want people to stay away from it or do it? Same goes for condoms. I know I'm going to be making a big old King Cake for the 16th. Not sure how to celebrate the 28th though....

In conclusion Ladies and Jellyspoons.....

I'd like to present you with a few jems gleaned from watching the discovery channel:

1. Suckling of a Kings nipples was a sign of submission in the Iron Age.

2. In Holland disabled people can get a government grant that pays for sex up to 12 times a year.

And here's a phrase from an internet article:

1. some of the highest rated companies to work for also pay the best. (um.... Duh)