Sunday, August 29, 2010

In a Crocodillian Display of Love

Recommendations for Garmin names are no longer being accepted. (Not that anyone suggested anything, but hey that's fine) I have christened it James Brady. (well, I would have Christened it except the Catholic church wouldn't make an inanimate albeit electronic object the subject of an important religious service. At least I don't think they would, I didn't ask.) But I digress. In picking the name I had to take into account that this Garmin is just like me. It gets its rights and lefts confused. Seriously. I wish I were kidding because it's not a good trait in a navigation device. Nope, Nope, Nope. I know it gets confused because instead of telling me to turn right onto the little gravel road that led to the catfish restaurant it told me to turn left into a grass field with an abandoned barn. Yeah.... I'll have to watch out for that in future. So, because it's just like me, it needs a name in keeping with our similarities. In that spirit I named it James because of James May from the British Car show Top Gear. I happen to like him and his long hair, but more importantly, he was driving fairly fast along a back country gravel road and said to the passenger beside him "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot where I was going for a moment. Ha ha." That would be just like me. If I were driving fast down a back country road I'd forget where I was going too. So, that's why I picked the name James. I picked the second part of the name, Brady, because of it's Irish origin and meaning. It's an Irish surname transferred to unisex forename use, and derived from an Anglicized form of Gaelic Ó Brádaigh which means "descendant of Brádach," hence "large-chested." That name seemed to fit as well. So, James Brady and I will be going to a lot of places together. He even helped me find the place I needed to go to take my drug test today. So, yea for James Brady! I will forgive your occasional lapses in directional judgment.

But lets talk about a naming fail now, shall we? It comes by way of the Ball Glass Company. The company was started by a group of brothers with the last name Ball. They sold canning jars and have since branched out into all sorts of canning equipment and paraphernalia. Ready for the name fail? It's the name of their canning cookbook. It's the "Ball Blue Book of Preserving". Yeah. They really ... sigh... No. I can't do it. There's a great pun here. But, I won't go there. (Points for anyone who does though)

One place I really want to go is Dragoncon. It's this weekend in Atlanta, Ga. Awesome science fiction/fantasy convention. I look forward to it every year we've gone. We've planned it for a while now. Booked the rooms, bought the tickets. Only problem, we didn't plan on my brother being out of town and not able to watch the dogs. It's too late to kennel them and I'm not sure who, if anyone, we can get to watch them. I have no idea what we're going to do, but I hope we figure something out because I'd hate for any one of us to miss it. We'll see what the weekend brings, and where we'll be. The idea of not going makes me sad though.

In an effort to not think sad thoughts, I'll end with a funny one. It's about bulldogs. If you've ever heard me talk about dogs you know that I have a soft spot for Bulldogs. I like French Bulldogs with their little ugly puckered faces, but I especially like English Bulldogs with their fat wrinkled waddle walk. However, because of the breeding done to create such stocky .... stock the dogs have massive health problems. In talking about English Bulldogs their critics say that current health issues including breathing problems such as asthma and breeding problems such as "the need for artificial insemination, due to male ineptness and lack of drive" need to be addressed. Sigh... poor boy Bulldogs. ... Poor girl bulldogs.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Evisceration does not float my boat.

I got a Garmin. Yes Siree. I am now the proud owner of an electronic locator. Flight of the Navigator time, go! (only without the flying and time travel) So now, presumably, I will always know how to get where I'm going. Well, I won't know, but my garmin will. I may wreck getting there, but I'll know where I am. Very handy piece of information, that. You know, I should name it if I'm going to put my life in its hands. Wait. It doesn't have hands..... I hope this isn't an ill omen. Mayhap a nice naming ceremony complete with offerings of cute sticker adornments would appease it and distract it from its limbless state. My computers name is Llewelyn (welsh), I named my new wireless printer "the Scottsman". I'm thinking something Irish for the Garmin. Any suggestions?

My cousin and I bought each other shirts last time I came down to KY. I bought her one that had a picture of a peanut butter jar and a jelly jar and above them it said, "You complete me" which fits her perfectly as she is addicted to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches like geeks are to the internet. She bought me one that said "I'm not short, my temper is" Really cute. (The shirt, not my temper that is) They had a ton of neat shirts. One of them was a shirt that had a picture of a marshmallow, graham cracker, and a chocolate bar and it said "Smores than just friends". It was a scratch and sniff shirt. I repeat, Scratch. And. Sniff. Who wants to wear a scratch and sniff shirt? I certainly don't want people coming up and scratching and sniffing on me. That's just weird. For serious.

Speaking of things I bought while in KY.... um.... I bought one of the strangest impulse items evah. I stopped at a little retro/vintage store halfway between Ky and TN and I saw a 50's/60's Baby Blue Fridge/Freezer and Gas Stove. So cute! I looked at them. Drooled and Dreamed a little. Couldn't resist asking the price. $200 for both of them. He said they worked when he bought them 6 weeks ago. Working Fridge and Stove for $200? Sigh..... So I bought them. They were cute and food/kitchen related. I couldn't resist. I called my grandmother and told her about them and asked if I could store them in her junk room. Her voice had a happy tone when she said "yes, of course" I could. She's such an enabler. I think I'm like her reincarnation. If someone can be reincarnated before they die, that is. yeah.... So, now I am the proud owner of two large appliances that I won't be able to use for at least two years and might cost me a fair amount of money to get working when I can. What!? Don't judge me.

Judge these people instead, for they are truly sick and strange.

Koreans have no taste buds

I mean, just kill me now. Corndogs dipped in Chocolate. What disturbs me most is one of the comments. "When do you eat it? Is it dessert or dinner?" I'll tell you when you eat it. Never! Never, I say!

I think that is all for now. That is definitely all. Nothing can follow Chocolate Corndogs.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Tomato vs Tomatoe or in other words Happy Birthday Daniel

I'd like to talk about the Pomeranians I live with again. Do you remember in the last post I told you how my dad was training them to eat humans? Well, this time I'd like to talk about what comes out of them rather than what goes in. And specifically WHERE they release it at. I sleep on the couch, so there is no door to close and no room to lock them out of. Now, this does not normally present a problem as I love the fur balls and actually like that sometimes they want to sleep near me. However....there are exceptions. Such as the other morning. I woke up, pulled back the covers, and got up to get ready for work. When I came back to the living room to take my covers off the couch I reached my hand down and right into a wet spot. My first thought was, water? Please let this be water. Nope. It wasn't. It was pee. Dog pee. One of them had peed on my covers. Peed right where I sleep! On something that probably still smelled like me! Thank goodness I wasn't still under those covers. They haven't peed on my yet..... Yet. I'm just waiting for the morning that I'm forced awake sputtering and trying to catch my breath because I'm drowning in a puddle of pee. That'll be the day. (The day the dogs are put in the kitchen with the baby gate across the doorway that is)

As I am not protected, yet, against nightly fountains of dog pee, I am also not protected from alien attacks on my brain. But a woman I saw last night at Wal Mart is! I was checking out (had to buy some canning stuff for salsa) and I saw a woman in another checkout line ahead of me with something on her head that I can only describe as a gold shower cap. And when I say it was gold I mean it shined, as in it was reflective enough to flag down helicopters. It was like she took tin foil, spray painted it, and stuck it on her head. It reminded me of the movie "Signs" where Joaquin Phoenix's character puts on a tin foil helmet so that the aliens can't read his thoughts. Now, I'm not sure why this woman might have suspected an alien mind flayer attack on her at 8pm on a Monday evening in Antioch, TN, but she's protected from it if it happens. Either that or she's worried she'll get murdered by a drug cartel and her body discarded in a rain forest where the gold shower cap will help searchers find her corpse. Either way....

Speaking of fashion, I've decided to embark on a little something I call Operation Bikini Body. I recently went on our family vacation to Dale Hollow Lake on the KY/TN border and, as it is a lake destination we did spend a large portion of our time swimming. Now, despite the massive amount of time I spent in the water I didn't have, and haven't had for a few years, a decent and proper swimsuit. So I've decided that next year I'm going to buy one. Not just any swimsuit though. A bikini. I've never been able to wear a bikini before. Heck I've never even come close to being able to wear one. I've always been the chubby girl. Compared to my cousins I always will be. But, I think maybe just maybe I could pull one off. And if I'm ever going to 1) be brave enough to wear one and 2) have a body that will look decent in one I'd better do it now cause I'm only getting older and with each passing year my body is only going to either fall down or fill in so it's now or never baby. So I guess I'll have to hit the gym and lay off the ice cream pints and hope that a year will be enough time to accomplish my mission of being Bikini Worthy. I've been looking at different suits and found a few I like. What do you think?

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Of course, since it is a family vacation and my mother would have an issue, which is putting it mildly, with my wearing a bikini in public I might also buy a one piece suit to wear. Enter the following:

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Totally proper and appropriate, eh? Much better than the shirt and shorts I have been wearing, yes? So .... Operation Bikini Body, GO!