Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Like Blowing Jellyfish out of your Nose

Please help me people. I have a problem. (Ok, I have several problems most of which would probably be considered psychological and quite possibly pathological, but let's not get into my desire to steal other people's candy right now, um K?)

I'm trying to use up the contents of my pantry. That sentence, written by a normal person might not be so unusual. But I collect food like a hooker collects disease. I have a lot of stuff. So much that I forgot half of what was in the dark recesses of my kitchen pantry. So, being a lover of lists and order I took everything out, spread it on my table and cataloged it along with any corresponding expiration dates, of course. Then I put the items back in the pantry. Everything is ready and waiting to be taken out, opened, and eaten. One thing that must be used, read it's out of date already but I'm chancing it because I hate to throw food away, is a jar of pickled ginger. I've already used about 2/3 of the jar on asian rice paper wraps and rice noodle soup. What should I use the rest of the jar for? I'm open to suggestions. Seriously, suggest something. While you're at it you could also suggest uses for habenero ketchup, panko, and pomegranate molasses.

Also, If you’ve ever segmented a grapefruit for someone other than yourself, then you know it's love. True Love, Baby.

Also, Also, I prayed to God not to let Zombies attack me. True Story.

Also, Also, Also, without the protection of it's midget condom my finger looks like an albino cave fish.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Nuns are People Too

Ok. So Here's a March Madness Bracket I can get into:

I was talking to some of the people I work with and we were talking about marrying rich men, specifically marrying a doctor. I said I wouldn't want to do that, have never wanted to, because doctors, and many men who work in high paying demanding professions, have to be away from home (on call or on business trips) so much. To me, that defeats the purpose of being married, doesn't it? I mean, if you marry someone, you marry them because you want to be with them, right? If I ever get married I want to spend time with my husband not his money. Almost every married person I talk to advises me to marry for money instead of love if I have the opportunity though. This saddens and confuses me.

Aside from marrying doctors we also talked about Donna Simpson. The woman who wants to go from 600 some lbs to 1,000 lbs. We were talking about how dangerous it is to be that heavy and how she very well might die after reaching that 1,000 lbs. Someone mentioned that if she dies they'd have to cremate her because she's so big. Not true, I said. She could be buried, but she'd need a custom coffin and two grave plots. I was then told that I'm mean and probably going to hell. But really, I was just being Pragmatic and realistic, Honest, even. Doesn't the bible say thou shalt not lie? Well, I didn't.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Bear Minimun Injun Ears

I was reading a Kentucky Home and Farm magazine and came across an article about how the FFA (Future Farmers of America) and Campbells Soup Co. are working jointly to restore old barns and farms across Kentucky. The article seemed admirable if unremarkable till I came across this quote: "Campbell's Soup has an initiative of educating people about where their food comes from -- they're trying to get rid of the stigma that food comes from a can"
Oh? Really? Something tells me that it's not a sound business model to educate people enough that they realize how awful your product is and how much better it would be if you didn't buy it but made it instead. I mean, if people realize soup doesn't com in a can Campbell's is in trouble. Unless Campbell's wants people to stop buying their product. Hmm???

In other news, here are some pictures. Try not to let the sheer stupidity rub off on you. Just remember, the world is a funny but stupid place. Enjoy it before it kills you.

So, what's the difference between Ground and Mechanically Separated? I mean ... really? Is the word "ground" too hard to understand? Did Pride Farm really feel it necessary to specify that Turkey's don't chew themselves up into pre-ground oval shapes before they're killed?
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I'm going to buy this. It's such a great deal.
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Do you go to EKU for your Higher Education? Might want to brush up on your Hamburger Flipping skills. Here's a sample of the writing/reading comprehension skills of current students.

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Chucky Love You Produce of USA. I'm speechless.
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End Stupidity. Begin Awesomeness. Go!

Now here's a gem. I spotted it as a printout on PETA's website. (Don't remember how I ended up there) I couldn't resist printing it out. How much trouble do you think i'd get into if I taped this up right on the wall above the refrigerated seafood section of Wal-Mart?
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Win indeed. ... That's not sarcasm. I Seriously love this. If someone let me dress their kid up, I'd do this.
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And in other news, I just hit the Ben and Jerry's jackpot today. We got in new flavors including Boston Cream Pie, Peanut Brittle, and Milk and Cookies! Whee!!!! And, and AND ... we have other flavors too that we haven't gotten in before. It's like an ice cream treasure trove. The sugar gods were smiling down on me. I feel blessed. What's that? ..... Oh yeah....... Ummmm...... You remember when I said I was giving up sugary dessert like stuff for Lent, do you? Well....I'm eating sugar again. No! No. You're wrong. I didn't fail at Lent. I just ... chose not to succeed.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

The Prison House of My Disposition

I think you have so much going for you. You're intelligent and smart. Yes, I know that statement is repetitive. It's warranted because it's true. I wish you believed it. I wish you believed in yourself. You're smarter than most of those around you. You know that much, right? You're just as smart as anyone else too, you know. You could do almost anything you put your mind to. Well, maybe not being a jockey. You'd need to be munchkin sized for that. But you certainly could do more than what you're doing. Your mind is being wasted where it's at. You aren't being able to use it for more than the mundane, and you are not mundane.

You're witty and funny. Your sense of humor makes me happy. I can't help smiling when I'm around you. I light up like a Christmas Tree. Maybe your sense of humor isn't for everyone, but it's perfect for me. I understand you, and you understand me. No one else around here knows exactly when I'm joking and when I'm serious and can play along so well. The more I talk to you the more I want to talk. The rhythm of our conversation flows easily.

You're nice, considerate, and a generally good person. Well, then again, I guess that's not entirely true. While you are always a genuinely good person, (do you know how rare that is, by the way?) you're only nice and considerate to certain people and only when you want to be. But I don't care that you're not always nice to everyone. You've always been nice to me. You've always helped me when I needed it. I actually like that about you. The fact that you're not overly nice to everyone makes it easy to tell when you like someone and when you don't. People know where they stand with you.

I think you're a wonderful, amazing person. I want to shake you and repeat that over and over until you believe it. You should believe it. It's true.

This is what's in my heart for you. This is what I say to you every time I silently walk by.