Sunday, January 31, 2010

Honey Cheddar Scones

One of my favorite YouTube videos got "removed by the user". It made me sad. In an effort to cheer myself up, I searched for similar videos. Here they are.

I think people are being tortured in the background. Grandma is supervising the torture. So, what does a hungry grandmother do while watching someone's final death throes? Eat chips, of course.

This is elder abuse. Giving your grandmother a dry fortune cookie then taunting her that her glass of milk is empty! I'm calling the abuse hotline now.

Why are old asian couple's eating together so cute? It's one of the mysteries of life.

My new favorite Grandma Eating video. Check it. It Rocks!

Cake or Death?

To specific unnamed persons, I'd like to say something.

First. To you, Mrs. Dieting and trying to eat "good". No, Peanut butter is not healthy. Peanut butter does have calories (a lot of them) and it is not good for you (even when you eat it on celery). You refused the cookies I brought into work because you were trying to eat healthier. I wasn't insulted that you refused them for that reason. That's an admirable goal. I can respect that. Imagine my confusion, then, when you pulled out a celery stick and smeared peanut butter on it. Your attempt to justify snubbing my cookies by claiming you were trying to eat healthy crumbled right then. Yes, you were eating "reduced fat" peanut butter. But, um, even reduced fat peanut butter is still over 50% fat. And those three tablespoons of peanut butter you put on your celery stick? You could have eaten three of my cookies for the same amount of calories. Three. I saw your wistful sidelong glances at the Tupperware container. Hope you enjoyed that celery and peanut butter, but you should have taken the cookies.

Second, to you, Mrs. Person trying to save space by smooshig delicate things on top of more delicate things. I told you that those packages of cherry tomatoes wouldn't be able to be stocked on the shelf because they were already full. What I meant by that wasn't that it would be impossible to stuff any more on the store shelf because it was already crammed full to overflowing. No. I meant that if you put any more out the weight from them would crush the tomatoes already on the shelf. They are delicate and well, smooshable, after all. I guess I didn't communicate that very well though, because you said "hmm... in that case" and proceeded take the tomatoes out of their protected box and dump them on top of other tomatoes and smoosh them down so they would all fit into one box, well.... it kind of invalidated our entire previous conversation. It made me want to take a vow of silence.

But, Let's focus on something for everyone, shall we? It's weird and wacky holidays time! Yea!!

February is:
Fabulous Florida Strawberry Month
Grapefruit Month
Library Lovers Month
Marijuana Awareness Month
Condom Month
Weddings Month
Spunky Old Broads Month

3rd-6th is International Snow Sculpting Week
7th-13th is Jell-O week
8th-14th is International Flirting Week
14th-20th is National Pancake Week

1st - Working Naked Day
2nd - Groundhog Day
5th - Wear Red Day also National Nutella Day
9th - Read is the Bathtub Day
16th - Mardi Gras
19th - Chocolate Mint Day
28th - International Sword Swallowers Day

Jus a few of my impressions of this month's holidays: Yea grapefruit! Who the hell gets married in February?. Is it marijuana month because they want people to stay away from it or do it? Same goes for condoms. I know I'm going to be making a big old King Cake for the 16th. Not sure how to celebrate the 28th though....

In conclusion Ladies and Jellyspoons.....

I'd like to present you with a few jems gleaned from watching the discovery channel:

1. Suckling of a Kings nipples was a sign of submission in the Iron Age.

2. In Holland disabled people can get a government grant that pays for sex up to 12 times a year.

And here's a phrase from an internet article:

1. some of the highest rated companies to work for also pay the best. (um.... Duh)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

This campaign is as big as Martha Coakley in a diner

From: a wallis
To: Zach Olsen
Subject: Battery Compatibility Issue and Possible Exchange/Refund Resolution

Hi there. I spoke with Jordan today about a problem with a battery I purchased from

I ordered a replacement battery for my Creative Zen Vision M MP3 player from your website. The description for the battery I ordered said that it was compatible with that particular player. However, upon receipt of the battery, it is plain to see that it will not fit into the player.

I have enclosed several pictures for your convenience.

Picture 1 - this shows that I indeed to have a Creative Zen Vision M 30gb MP3 player.

Picture 2 - this shows that the battery description on your website states that the battery is indeed compatible with the Creative Zen Vision M 30gb player.

Picture 3 - this shows that the battery i received is a completely different size than the battery that is currently in the player.

Picture 4 - this shows that even if i tried to connect the battery I received, it is too long to fit into the player.

The website I am using for instructions on how to disassemble and install a new battery for the Creative Zen Vision M player state that the battery specifications are as follows:
Battery: The battery inside the Vision:M is made by SKC (LPCS285385) and is rated at 1250mAH at 3.7v and is 2.8 x 53 x 85 mm; taking up 25g of the ZVM’s total weight.

I did not start to take apart my player until I received the battery from you. Erego, I did not discover the size difference between the batteries until it was too late. Since your website states that the battery I ordered was compatible with the player I didn't think it necessary to compare the size measurements. I wish I had.

I really am at a loss as to what to do. The battery i ordered will not work in my player. Since the battery that you sell which is supposed to be compatible with my player obviously isn't, I am unsure as to how or if you can provide a battery that actually will fit into the player. I would prefer a replacement battery. However, if you can not provide a battery that is the correct size, I suppose I will have to take a refund.

Thank you for your time and hopefully help.

From: Zach Olsen
To: a wallis
Subject: RE: Battery Compatibility Issue and Possible Exchange/Refund Resolution

Sorry we did not receive any pictures with your email. I check the size of our batteries here in stock and here is the dimensions

85.8mm x 50.5mm x 3.4mm

Which correlate almost exactly with the dimensions that you mentioned. Perhaps the battery that you were sent is the wrong one. It should say 01070770002 on the top right of the label. If it does not, then maybe sent you the wrong battery. Please resend me the pictures so I can see which battery that you received and how it is different. If not then we can have you return the battery to us and we can check the size of it compared to what we have instock to see if it was manufactured incorrectly.



From: a wallis
To: Zach Olsen
Subject: RE: Battery Compatibility Issue and Possible Exchange/Refund Resolution

I'm sorry you did not receive the pictures the first time. I've included them, hopefully, in this email. The measurements for the battery currently in the player are about 53X72mm. I did buy the player refurbished, but I don't think they could/would have put a completely different type battery in the player. There is no way that the size battery you sent would ever fit into the player I have, new or used. I really am at a loss.

From: Zach Olsen
Subject: RE: Battery Compatibility Issue and Possible Exchange/Refund Resolution
To: a wallis

ok, thanks for the pictures, that is the correct battery for your unit, but I am confused because the picture you sent of the battery was next to the hard disk, do you have a picture of your original battery next to the original battery. This battery would probably fit right on top of or below the hard disk.

Here is a video of how the hard disk and battery are in relation to each other. The battery should fit on the opposite chamber that your trying to fit it into.

It should fit just perfectly into that one side without the hard disk. Perhaps you have not removed the battery yet from that side. I don't know it is hard to tell from the pictures.



From: a wallis
To: Zach Olsen
Subject: RE: Battery Compatibility Issue and Possible Exchange/Refund Resolution

OK. I guess I can chalk this up on the list of really embarrassing things I've done. As I'm sure you've already guessed, I thought the hard drive was the battery. yeah...... I failed to notice the battery taped to the back side of the player. In my defense it blended really well with the silver backing. That's my story anyway. It doesn't in any way lessen how stupid I feel right now. I don't think I can say anything more. Please continue making fun of me in your mind. I know I am. Thank you for your help.

From: Zach Olsen
Subject: RE: Battery Compatibility Issue and Possible Exchange/Refund Resolution
To: a wallis

OK, great, I am just glad that we figured it out together without shipping something back and forth. Thanks for letting me know. It helps us know better how to help our other customers in the future too. Have a great day!




I have nothing more to say about that. In other news, I think my butt is falling.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I write because I have nothing important to say

I thought I would share part the introduction to a book I read recently. I'll let the words speak for themselves, I only hope they impact you even half as much as they affected me.

Words at Play by Willard Espy (a collection of word games and witty wordy sayings)

Any Fair minded person must concede that words are not tools of communication in the way that, say, frowns and kisses are. In childhood we communicate by screaming, chuckling, sticking fingers into eyes and pulling hair. Our parents communicate with us by suckling, hugging, changing diapers, spanking and sending us to bed without our suppers.

A few years later teachers communicate with us by putting gold stars after out names, or standing us in corners. We answer by turning out hair into blackberry bushed and, these days knocking the teachers down and stomping them.

In college, we communicate by locking the president in his office and bombing the library. The president communicates by calling the constabulary, who communicate by means of truncheons, Mace, tear gas and, occasionally, gunfire. The meaning of these exchanges is perfectly understood by everyone involved, though an observer would not be able to recognize any words at all in the din, except for a continuous chant of ‘Motherf----‘, which does not count, since it does not appear in either Webster’s or the Oxford English Dictionary.

By the time we marry and settle down we are locked for life in to the Manichean fallacy. Everything we do not like about the world is the result of someone’s deliberate evildoing. So we have no reason for verbal expression. One does not hold a dialogue with the wicked; and as for the good (that is, those who are on our side) one communicates very satisfactorily simply by grunting.

The working man communicates with his boss by striking, arriving late, getting messages wrong, disarranging the cards in the computer and forgetting to flush the toilet. The boss talks back by flounting a Cadillac or Mercedes-Benz, taking winter holidays and having no money left over for a Christmas bonus.

Politicians communicate by waving their arms, shaking their fists and glaring into the television camera. Nations communicate by stockpiling, and at times using, napalm, atom bombs, submarines, missiles and poison gas.

These forms of communication outrank words because they are far more effective. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Promises are pleasant, but diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Speak softly, but carry a big stick. I’ll brave the thunder if you’ll brave the lightning.

The pretence that words make a difference in human affairs is one of the oldest and dirtiest tricks of English teachers and the ruling classes. Long before we emerged from our caves it had become clear that if one man could fool another into arguing instead of throwing a rock, he – the first man, that is – had it made. Marie Antoinette did not say, ‘Let them eat cake’. She said, ‘Keep them talking’. When people stop talking, they are becoming dangerous.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

How Many Quarters are in a Year?

First, Have a funny picture:


Hope that put a smile on your face. Here's something that put a smile on my face during the recent Christmas season. Let me introduce you, if you haven't already met, to Krampus. According to some Eastern European legends he's a companion to St. Nicholas and accompanies him on his nocturnal visits. Unlike the Fat Jolly guy in the red suit who delivers presents to good little children, Krampus is an animal like creature with large horns covered in fur who carries a basket on his back used to carry away bad children and dump them into the pits of Hell. Yes, Hell. Forget Billy Bob Thornton, Krampus is the real "Bad Santa". Mom was watching the news one night and called me over to see something "awful". It was a segment on Krampus where people dressed in Krampus suits and participating in a Krampus parade down a main street in Europe dragging people out of the crowd to whip them with sticks and bending down to further frighten crying children. I thought it was great. I wish the tradition would take off in the US. I also wish I could find the original video I saw for you, but I couldn't. You'll have to be content with these.

And children aren't the only ones who have to fear this mythical demon. Krampus goes after grown ups too.

Maybe next year we'll have a Krampus Christmas. I'm hopeful.

Speaking of Christmas, I have a zombie story I want to tell you. You know the Salvation army Bell Ringers? Well, there was one stationed outside the grocery doors at Wal Mart through the holiday season. You could tell he wasn't quite "right in the head". For the entire 8 hours, or however long he stood there ringing his bell, all he said was "Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas" A statement to be expected, but not repeated nonstop over and over for hours on end. Not by any sane person, or someone who wanted to remain sane. He also, every day for weeks, without fail, when I walked out the doors after work told me that he liked my Dark Crystal lunch box. Because apparently, he'd forgotten that he already told me that. Now, I wasn't witness to what follows, but I heard it from someone who was so.... One day he was in the break room talking to no one. Or rather talking kind of loudly to no one in particular but everyone in general in the hopes that someone would talk back to him. My friend was trying to ignore him. He started talking about Zombies. My friend said nothing. Nothing, that is, until he spouted off with "You know Jesus was a Zombie". My friend couldn't help it. He turned around and asked, "What do you mean?". The guy responded with, "Well, he died and came back to life. That makes him a zombie". My friend was flabergasted as was I when I heard it. I'd never thought of that before. But ya know, it does make some degree of twisted sense. From now on I think the Salvation Army bell ringers could be closet geniuses.

And while we're on the subject of smart idiots and things that just make you scratch your head, the lady who mom takes to church Lilly (you know the one. Used to call us almost every day until she lost her phone service because she couldn't pay the bill because she was spending money on bus tickets on multi state trips, tries like hell to adopt herself into our lives going so far as to claim we're her family, mentally handicapped but highly functioning, knows just enough to live by herself but not enough to take care of herself, the one who made me feel emotionally raped? yeah. that one) She told me she had been on "that vegan diet, sissy" I didn't think much about it, until I noticed she had just bought a good two pounds of expensive bacon. I didn't call her on it. I just filed that away in the "people who don't make any sense" file in my head. That file's pretty full.

To end on a weird note, how about weird/unusual holidays.
January 8th is, among other things, National Bubble Bath Day, National English Toffee Day, and National Women's Day. I suggest that women everywhere eat english toffee while taking a Bubble Bath.
January 9th is Positively Penguins Day
And my personal Favorites:
January 15th is International Fetish Day
January 16th is Appreciate a Dragon Day