Monday, May 3, 2010

You may be the universe’s butt puppet, but I’m it’s right hand fist of fate and tonight accounts are coming due

Lately I've been going to a nearby gym. And by "going to" I mean I've actually been inside and used the exercise equipment, not drove past it on my way to the donut shop next door. :) Anyway, I used a machine that I'd never used before called an Elliptical Machine. Supposedly, an elliptical trainer is "a stationary exercise machine used to simulate walking or running without causing excessive pressure to the joints, hence decreasing the risk of impact injuries." Decrease injuries my butt! Do you know what happens to your legs if you've never used one of these babies before? Do you!? It turns them into al dente pasta. You're technically able to walk, but at any moment your legs go wobbly and try to fold under you like an accordion. Yeah..... I had to explain to people at work why I was walking weird the next day. I was seriously afraid my legs would buckle and I would fall down on the floured bakery floor at any moment. So, knowing that, you'd think I'd stay far far away from the elliptical machine, wouldn't you? Maybe avoid the gym alltogether. Or at least avert my eyes when I walk by the row of elliptical machines in a vain effort to pretend they didn't exist. I mean, why would anyone willingly do something to their body that, were it done by someone else in a dank basement, might be considered a mild form of torture? Well..... don't think less of me, but .... it's supposed to tone your butt. Yes. You heard right. I'd endure pain to look pretty. Yes, friends, I use those machines every time I go to the gym now. What!? Don't judge me. I'm not a masochist, I'm just vain.

As a addendum to the above, Going through a car wash was like going through a torture chamber to me. I got nauseous. Seriously.

Now, despite my propensity for exercise induced pain, I'm not an idiot, really. I'm not. But, apparently a friend of mine (should I even admit that it's my best friend?) said he could picture me eating, or at least tasting, insulation. -____- Have you ever seen insulation? I hadn't till a while ago. Now, yes. Insulation looks like giant human sized slabs of fluffy pink cotton candy. And, granted, if a ubernormous cloud of cotton candy in any color or flavor suddenly appeared in front of me I would indeed bury my head in it then do my darndest to crawl all the way inside just so I could eat my way out again. But I know that insulation is not, in fact, cotton candy. I would not eat it. Ever. I wouldn't even "taste" it. There is no temptation to put it in my mouth for even a millisecond. None. Despite it's resemblance to something that is, it is not edible. I know this. But, apparently, my friend thinks the temptation would be too much for me. He really was convinced I might eat insulation. He said he could see me trying it. This makes me sad.

So I'm going to change topics now, cause I'd rather not dwell on the fact that my best friend thinks I might be a contender for an Honorable Mention come Darwin Awards time. Hm......Have you seen the movie Avatar? I just watched it last night. Yes, I know. I was supposed to jump on the James Cameron bandwagon much earlier. Ah well. I'm bumping along on it now. Does anyone else think a sequel is in order? No, not because the movie was so ultimately awesome. But because, I mean, come on .... Do you think a big mining company would really go away and leave trillions, notice the plural form, of dollars worth of anything uncollected? Um, NOOOOoooooooo........ The natives would be going down baby. They might have won the first volley with their flying reptiles and hammerhead rhinos, but you can bet anything worth anything that the mining company would come back. Especially since the "genius" Hero's, aka the only humans who actually care about the natives and want to help them, stayed behind on the planet leaving the money hungry company puppet master and the mean resentful military combatants as the only ones who went back to earth. Hence, the only ones who could tell the rest of the world what happened on the planet. Do you really think they would call a press conference and willingly admit to perpetuating genocide? I think not. I think they'd tell everyone how savage and dangerous the natives are. What a threat they pose. How it wold be in earth's best interest to eradicate them. Spin it baby. He who rules the airwaves rules the world. And gets a green light to destroy others too. I'm just sayin. Oh yeah... I guess I should have put SPOILER ALERT before most of this paragraph, huh? Oops. Sorry bout that.

In other media news, I've gotten a new phone complete with new phone number. I'll be calling, texting, or messaging those of you who are on my old phone list so you can have my new number. The rest of you, whoever that might be, are welcome to message me and ask for the number. Most likely I'll give it to you cause it's probably just an oversite that you're not programmed into my old phone. Probably. Maybe. Unless you're a real freaky freak. In that case, wanna hang out? :D

1 comment:

  1. Women enjoy torturing themselves to look pretty and feel good about it. I suppose that "al dente pasta" feeling would be gone after couple of times more gym-visiting, or more exactly, the butt-training. I prefer to yoga at home...
    I haven't watched Avatar...well, it's not my type of movie.