Sunday, June 6, 2010

Looking at a man's car is like looking at a man naked, only more pleasant

My insurance company thinks I was a child whore. Oh yeah. They think I ignored my Mormon moral upbringing and Got. It. ON. while in my early pubescent years. They're pretty serious about it too. They sent me an official letter and everything. They didn't outright call me a pedophilic prostitute, but they did tell me that I could get a discount on insurance for my teen driver. Ummm......what? I'm only 30. ( 25 if we're going by what I look like, and 5 if we're going by how I sometimes act) The only way a teen driver could eligibly be added to my insurance is if I had spewed out a slimy pink human shaped creature from my not fully developed womb while in my early teen years myself. I'd also have had to have sex. And given the fact that I was a textbook specimen of geeky chub fest in my formative years, the requisite activity for me spawning anything other than pimples seems more unlikely than immaculate conception. I guess it's kind of nice to know my insurance company thinks that I (yes, I Rolly Polly Ada Potada) could have attracted an equally nerdy social outcast to mate with. Or, rather, I would try to take it as a compliment if they weren't calling my ability to form intelligent decisions into question by implying I was stupid enough to have sex with a boy barely out of junior high school. Way to go insurance company. Way to go.

Of course, if my parents and church leaders had wanted to really make sure I'd never get "in trouble" by becoming "with child" at a tender young age they could always have made me wear a chastity belt. And before you scoff and declare that an impossibility in this oh so enlightened day and age, know that there are modern day manufacturers of chastity belts. Small artisan crafters who keep alive the ancient traditions. Well, perhaps not so traditional as most of the current wearers of modern style chastity belts are male. Yes, male. Don't question me here. In fact, you should probably stop thinking about it. Really. Also, I know there is a debate as to when and if chastity belts even existed or were mostly just a figment of the Victorian Eras fascination with promoting the idea of Medieval Brutality. But, let's just accept their credibility for the sake of this discussion, shall we? So...... We were discussing the what ifs of my child self having to wear an anti intercourse contraption. Thanks to Wikipedia I have an example of just such a device for you.
Image Hosted by

How's that for effective, eh? Nothing is going to be put in there. Noooothhhiiinnnggg....... No matter how much a woman or her prospective partner might want it to, "It" ain't gonna happen. No guy no matter how young or stupid no matter how drunk or daring is going to chance that. It even discourages self service. It's more effective than if you just encased the whole happy area in metal and filled it in with cement. Word. And don't get me started on what metal would do to skin, even with a layer of fabric between them, in the cold winter or hot summer months. I'm pretty sure it's too painful to even think about.

Speaking of painful, I think the women of my family are going to end up in jail for killing someone someday. For Serious. I went back to Kentucky to visit my mother and her side of the family, the whole extended Barnett clan. Somehow, not sure how really, we started talking about mace. My mother, who is the gentlest calmest least violent and most passive woman I know, burst out with "You know, I'd like to have some mace" Just matter of fact. Like she was saying she needed to buy some new laundry detergent. Not that I think it's a bad idea. I don't. It's just.... from my mother?!? It's like a bizzaro alternate universe, like the world suddenly decided to spin in the opposite direction. Of course, if my mom were ever to be put into a position in which to use mace she's probably be so shocked and flustered that she'd forget she even had it or she'd take it out but forget how to use it. I can picture someone laughing at her if she tried to mace them. As I'm picturing this and digesting this startling bit of information, my brother mentions tasers and the different kinds of tasers and how they work. My cousin cheerfully chimes in that she'd actually like to have a taser. She's so sweet and nice and laughs so easily, I'm just trying to picture her smiling and laughing as someone flops and flails around at her feet wires protruding from their seizure ridden body. The thing is, I can picture my cousin tasing someone. But this girl is also someone who, by her own admission, is clumsy. I can also picture her accidentally tasing herself. Then, to beat all, my brother mentions that they (whoever they are) are coming out with a police grade riot stick with taser attached. It's basically a rod that you pull out, flip like a new years eve party favor to extend it, and on the tip of the stick is a functioning taser that electrocutes on contact. It's more effective at breaking bones than a steel baseball bat, and it can shock someone into submission in an instant. :D Can you tell that I was enamored of it? Yeah, I wanted one. And I said so. Now, if I were to get a hold of one of these babies I might actually use it, which would be a bad thing because I'd probably really use it. There might not be much of a body left for the coroner to cart away. I have a lot of suppressed rage., If you never hear from me or my female relatives again we've either killed ourselves or someone else. We probably shouldn't be sold any self defense devices. Shop owners take note.


  1. Woman, you really crack me up with the title..LOL
    Your insurance company has the nerve or are they just crackbrained?
    GOSH! That gadget...looks ugly and scary.

  2. Ha Ha. The title is actually a quote from an HBO show called the Number One Ladies Detective Agency, about a female detective in Botswana Africa. I've watched the first couple of episodes, but I enjoyed it.

    The letter was probably just a form letter they sent to everyone hoping that some of the people they sent it to would have a teen driver. Still, for someone like me who doesn't, it's kind of an odd letter to get. I was thinking of sending them a letter back stating as such. :D Ha Ha Ha. I think that would be funny.

    and yeah.... that is a scary gadget. Good to hear from you.

  3. I know I'm late in reading this, but I thought you should know, it made my night =)