Thursday, June 24, 2010

Sometimes Yaks Kick

I think my dad is inadvertently training our three Pomeranians to become voracious attack dogs that rip off large chunks of flesh from their human victims. It all started with Limburger Cheese. Dad bought some. Do you know what Limburger Cheese is? I didn't know what it was, only that it was supposed to have a rather ..... strong ..... smell and, as such, was not a very popular cheese. But, in the spirit of culinary adventure, and because I love cheese on principle and in general, I tried some when dad was eating it. I sniffed it first. It wasn't pleasant. It smelled, but I couldn't decide what it smelled like. As I put it into my mouth I tried to get used to and past the olfactory overload, but I couldn't. I did try. But I didn't like it. There was just something about it that was, nasty and rank. I found out what. Turns out the bacteria used to make Limburger Cheese is the same bacteria in human skin that causes body odor. Yeah.... that's why it smells bad. BO has taken physical form in Limburger Cheese. That explains why I don't like it. But ... Dad likes it. He loves it, in fact. And, apparently, so do the dogs. He was feeding them little bits of it periodically as he was eating it and they were gobbling it down and leaning forward for more. They do have a good sense of smell, I'm sure they could tell they were eating something that smelt like humans. They're developing a taste for us. I'm almost scared to go to sleep. I might wake up missing body parts. Then again, the dogs like me. I think. Maybe they'll go after someone else to get a fix. But there's something more worrisome here. Dad likes the cheese. That means he's developing a taste for humans. He's a future cannibal. If you ever get stranded on an island with a group of strangers, you better hope he's not one of them. In fact, you should probably ask anyone you plan to spend time alone with if they like Limburger Cheese. Just as a precautionary measure, you understand.

But let's speak of Ice Cream now, shall we? Ice cream is made of yummy yummy cold sugarey goodness. No one would want to be a cannibal if they had ice cream. In fact, I'm pretty sure even zombies would choose ice cream over brains. Ice Cream is that Awesome. I believe I've spoken before of my love for the frozen confection, yes? Yes. Well, last Sunday I was able to indulge my ice cream fantasy in an all you can eat ice cream event known as the Martha OBrien Ice Cream Crankin. Sponsored by Purity Dairies, local teams create ice cream flavors that are then judged by a panel of "ice cream experts". The winning flavor gets mass produced by the dairy and sold in stores the following spring. But here's the best part, after parting with a $13 entrance fee (it is supposed to be a charity fund raiser after all), the public gets to go around and sample as many flavors of ice cream as their stomachs can hold. I had grand aspirations of tasting every flavor available. I didn't succeed. I wish my stomach was bigger or my dairy tolerance was greater. I know I ate at least two pints worth of ice cream. Near the end, I was partially doubled over like a hunchback from stomach pain. I ate so much that I approached the vomit threshold. I had to stop though. I didn't want to cross that threshold and end up in the fetal position on the ground. Before I gave up my goal of being a human pinata stuffed with ice cream I tried some wonderful flavors though. Here are the standouts:

Triple Ginger - ice cream made with ground ginger, fresh ginger, and candied ginger
Mexican Tequila Vanilla - vanilla ice cream flavored with tequila and real vanilla beans
Wildflower Honey - made with tennessee wildflower honey
Very Lemon - tart just sweet enough ice cream with real lemon flavor
Peanut Butter and Jelly - peanut butter ice cream with a jelly and graham cracker swirl
Nerdy Grapalicious - Grape Ice Cream with Nerds

It got me thinking of what Ice Cream flavors I'd make if I were ever to give up running around like a mad woman trying to stuff as much ice cream as possible into my mouth (not likely). I think I'd make the following:

Captain Morgan's Hot Buttered Rum
Elvis's Nanners and Nuts - Banana Ice Cream with a Peanut Butter Swirl and Honey Roasted Peanuts
Thyme for Ice Cream - Thyme flavored Ice Cream
Sesame Crunch - Sesame Ice Cream with Sesame Crunch Candy bits
Mojito - Lime Mint Ice Cream
Summer Fun - Cotton Candy Ice Cream with Nerds, Pop Rocks, and Sprinkles

Hours after I got home I was having minor ice cream cramps. It felt like I really was having ice creams baby. Like the shirt says:
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Dear world,

Send me a man who would to wear these John Fluevog John Wayne Spotted Pony shoes:
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Thank you

1 comment:

  1. LOL@ "I am not fat"'s just fun.
    Plenty of Limburger cheese here, but I don't quite remember how it tastes that awful? My husband described them as "stinking feet"..well, I thought he was exaggerating as he is not a fan of cheese.
    Ginger ice cream sounds fascinating.

    Wish you a wonderful week ahead with "less sunshine" and lots of fun! (Here in Germany is unbelievably HOT...I am melting.)